Tag Archives: Humor

Dealing with Internet Trolls: We All Do

Internet trolls are everywhere. I’m pretty sure the Internet was created just to give them a haven once people stopped crossing bridges to get across small rivers by foot.

We all do become these wild, untamed monsters at some point in our Internet surfing. A rule to follow to ensure you don’t grow too much hair is to never actually become a bully. By this I mean you shouldn’t pick on someone smaller than you. Leaving a trollish comment on a big company site or a well-known writer is a little different as they’re in the position to actually handle your negative comments which is where you should hope to get to.


When I first began writing on the Internet my skin was much thinner than it is now. But hey, I’m sure I have consumed more donuts since then.

Every troll comment, whether genuine or not, did dig at my soul. Eventually I had so many people say negative things it no longer seemed to bother me. It was after publishing my first article on Yahoo Sports when someone suggested I must have penises for fingers because my writing was so poor. This was the first comment I ever received on a “high-profile” article and obviously hasn’t left my memory if only for the amusing image. Oh and many people agreed with him too.

The best advice I have for Internet trolls is to laugh about it. My take is if they disagree with you, you still win because you actually went out and wrote about it. All they did was make a quick comment without much effort. For the outright nasty people, imagine them with penises for fingers living an awful, lonely life. Anybody who is going to be rude to you on the Internet doesn’t deserve your time anyway or to see you cry from their hurtful words, even if they’re honest.

Most of the time I don’t read comments people leave me anymore. On Innings Eaters, where I don’t get too many anyway, I will since they need to be approved. I do the same here on The Cleat Report. If ever I do write somewhere with dozens of comments I’ll avoid reading them. Writing sports means you’re going to have people disagree with you often and usually they have awful things to say about your mother in the process.

Just remember, their mother gave birth to a child with penises for fingers. Don’t feel bad when they disagree with your opinion on who should bat leadoff for the New York Mets.

Innings Eaters: MLB News for 3/30/2015 – Opening Day Preview, Bench Clearing Brawls, and More!

Here’s what you missed over at Innings Eaters today, Monday 3/30/2015.

I compiled a satirical list of the worst jobs in the 2015 MLB season. Which five jobs do I think are the worst? READ MORE

2014 Comeback Player of the Year Award winners Casey McGehee and Chris Young are going to have very different 2015 seasons. What can we expect from these two? READ MORE

The 2015 MLB season begins next Sunday night when the St. Louis Cardinals take on the Chicago Cubs. What can we get excited about for the first game of the season? READ MORE

By Dirk Hansen (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
By Dirk Hansen (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
A bench clearing brawl took place in a game between the Philadelphia Phillies and Pittsburgh Pirates. Who was involved and why did it happen? READ MORE

Until tomorrow!

Fat Baseball Pictures of Me

Only briefly while playing little league did I ever become what some may consider a superstar. I was 10 at the time and hitting almost .700. Pitchers couldn’t get me out if they tried, and try they did.

My athletic ability, though, was hampered due to my extensive weight. To give you an example, after each win my parents would take me to 711 for a Slurpee. After each loss, they’d still take me to 711 for a Slurpee. I drank more sugar daily as a kid than most people should consume in a week.

Weight was an issue in many aspects of my life, baseball included. However it did give me some power at the plate and on the mound until other kids began reaching puberty. Suddenly my extra fat was outmatched by these strange things the other kids had called muscles.

I happened to read an article online about a baseball player from New Jersey playing professionally yesterday when I immediately recognizes his name. I did some research and I’m pretty sure it’s a former teammate of mine. I don’t remember him being particularly outstanding. At the time we were teammates, he was smaller than I am and now is at least two inches taller.

The main research I did was on the website for one of the little leagues I played for. The league owner was so into making a good product he devoted lots of time to off the field projects including statistical tracking and pictures. It was there that I came across two pictures of myself at 14 and 15 looking like the lady bag of cookies I saw didn’t stand a chance. It was nice to say considering I was feeling bloated at the time and am nowhere near the level of mess I was back then.

Fat Timmy 1

Fat Timmy 2

In case you can’t spot me, which you probably are unable to, I’m the player on the far left in the back in the first photo and the player in the cranberry furthest left in the second. It was only months after the second photograph when I finally decided to get my ass in gear and lose some weight.

Unfortunately these are the only pictures I have of me playing baseball. They’re a good representation, though, as I’m not striking out on three pitches nor chasing a ball in right field that squirted through my legs.

Aubrey Huff is Angry and Has Bad Grammar

Pablo Sandoval apparently hated his time with the San Francisco Giants. We know that. We’re in a state of slight surprise.

The more shocking news to come from this is that Aubrey Huff is on the front-line of throwing jabs back at Sandoval. And apparently, Huff has very bad grammar.

By Chase N.'s (Aubrey  Huff) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
By Chase N.’s (Aubrey Huff) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
Here’s what Huff had to say on his Facebook Page about his experience with Sandoval:

“I’m pretty sure their (sic) wasn’t a tear shed on behalf of all the players, and the coaches when he signed with Boston,” Huff’s Facebook post from earlier in the week read. “It has always been about Pablo. He had the fans fooled but not the players! One of the biggest reasons he didn’t want to come back is because the Giants made him workout on the treadmill every day! Pretty sure that was a driving force for him! Never the less [sic] he could have always been a legend in San Fran but ego always will come in to play when it comes to Pablo! Sorry for the rant just want to take up for the players who are there now holding their tongues, because they don’t want to get in the middle of this! If you can’t get along with guys like (Buster) Posey, (Madison) Bumgarner, (Matt) Cain, (Jeremy) Affeldt (sic), just to name a few, then maybe it’s time to look in the mirror! Rant over!”

I suppose his grammar wasn’t so bad. Other than not knowing the difference between their and there and that nevertheless is one word, Huff did a pretty good job as destroying the meat-head stereotype. Or is two words, meat head?

Anyway, Sandoval’s response was pretty harsh to Huff’s ego.

“Who is Aubrey Huff?” Sandoval asked in response. “What is important here is to see where the person who made those comments is, and where I am now, that’s what counts. Those were completely incoherent comments. I’m not selfish. I am where I am because I have worked very hard and have always done my job. Anyone can say whatever they want. I will not lose sleep or stop working my hardest because of that.”

I’m not sure if Sandoval is selfish, but his move was absolutely a cowardly one. Why be negative after you leave? After you thank the fans? After you pretending like you might come back?

This may be the end of this fight. I’ll be sure to update whenever Pat Burrell comes out with a few jabs at the Kung Fu Panda.

You can read more about this feud over at Big League Stew.

Hungry? Let’s Eat Some Innings

In my journey to become a full-time writer aka never leave my bed aka have more of an excuse to never wear clothes, I have begun a new project. This is a huge flaw of mine as I never really seem to fully commit to one thing. Often, I’ll set expectations very high and when they’re not met I find another outlet.

It’s strange to think that two years ago I wasn’t writing about sports at all. In March 2013, I was still very focused on becoming a screenwriter. This was far less lucrative and more difficult to get my foot in the door. Each time I finished a 90-120 page screenplay I’d continually edit until eventually it just became another PDF file on my computer.

Not that I’ve completely given up on that dream or anything, my focus seems to have shifted to more immediate satisfaction. I might even call it satisfaction in general because there was rarely any in spending weeks and months on writing something only for it to get read by a small circle of friends willing to waste their time.

So I began writing online in July of 2013 while unemployed. A week later, I got a job that paid me more in a day than I’d make most months writing. This isn’t to say I have a lucrative job where I can afford a Rolls Royce filled with beautiful women covered in gold. In fact, it’s far from it. Writing is not a job that you’ll get rich on yet I continue to do it because nothing gives me more pleasure without the feeling of guilt after.

Writing for Yahoo Voices, Yahoo Sports, and other places in between then and now has made me a more dedicated writer than ever. My commutes to and from work are spent writing. When I come home I do it more. I’m at the point where I have very little down time. My social life is in front of a computer spewing out words about sports, specifically baseball.

Enough about me, though, and more about the new project. Due to certain circumstances I’m sure I’ll get into at some point, I was looking for a new place to write. Although I have The Cleat Report, I wanted some monetary reward.

I think I’m good. My work ethic alone should give me a few bonus points.

Oddly, I found the new project after a stressful day at a more stable job while perusing Craigslist. How does someone become a professional sports writer? There must be an easy way.

I found one job that said it pays you to write about sports. I’m going to write about them anyway, so why not get paid?

Taking a look around the site, I saw some great opportunities. I rushed signing up and had an idea for a site all about sports injuries. It’s not a bad idea, except, for one person to do it’s very limiting. I’m also not too current on the NBA, NFL, and NHL. Plus, I feel if you’re going to dedicate a blog to sports injuries you need to cover them all. This idea was scratched as was a brief one to dedicate a blog to Colorado Rockies’ outfielder Charlie Blackmon.

Although I abandoned these projects, I saw a great benefit of creating a blog on this website. Through only 10 posts I was already in the top 200. Because the site has so many members writing on a regular basis, they seem to rank high on Google. The site also has lots of Twitter followers and has retweeted me more than once.

In short, the site seems like a great opportunity. For now I’m going to juggle it along with this site and everywhere else I’m writing while maintaining the 2 friendships I have left.

The site I’ll be contributing to regularly is called Innings Eaters and I’m welcome to adding on a few more writers. It’s limited in the basic membership, however, if things go well I would be open to “going pro” and really taking off.

Right now I’m very excited about seeing stats boom, small chunks of change load up for my wallet, and working together as a team to really dedicate some effort into making a quality site. Some days may seem a little neglectful here or other places I write at, but it’s all for the greater good which is being so successful I barely have to do anything ever again, right?

Curt Schilling Defends Daughter, Doesn’t Have a “Real” Website

Curt Schilling may have two World Series rings along with a bunch of other accomplishments during his MLB career. One thing he doesn’t apparently have is a “real” website.

Reading the story about how a bunch of trolls on Twitter were making rude comments about his daughter, one thing stood out to me more than it should have. In the story was a picture from Schilling’s Twitter where he posted a link to what I thought was the blog of someone insulting his offspring. Upon further investigation, I realized it was Schilling’s blog.

For the sake of making my point clear, this is the URL for Schilling’s blog: https://38pitches.wordpress.com/

Notice how it’s not http://www.38pitches.com? Wouldn’t that be something a little more appropriate for someone who made millions of dollars? Certainly it’s his choice. He’s also so famous where he doesn’t need to market himself to get any additional hits than necessary. His blog isn’t his life, rather, a hobby of his. Schilling is the perfect example of someone who can safely use a blog with a .wordpress.com attached to it. The problem I see, though, is that he’s Curt Schilling! The man should shell out the $25 or however much it is to own a domain.

Googie man at the English language Wikipedia [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)], via Wikimedia Commons
Googie man at the English language Wikipedia [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
I do know Schilling has fallen on some hard times financially. He basically turned the entire state of Rhode Island against him – which if we want to be clear about something, is the best state to have hate you. You only really have to deal with about a dozen folks cursing at you because it’s so tiny.

However, Schilling should have enough money stashed away to have a real website like I do. If we’re going to talk about salaries, Schilling made more money each day he warmed up in the bullpen and told the coach he was too sore to pitch than I do in a year. Domains are not expensive. I’m not sure why he doesn’t own one. I know this is not the issue here, but as an incredibly cheap person, I’m bothered that a very popular athlete is even more frugal than I am.

Another Chicago White Sox Pitcher Injured in Fluke Manner

Moments after hitting publish on my last post, I scrolled down the Yahoo Sports page to find an article about Chicago White Sox pitcher Ronald Belisario and his fractured shoulder. How did he fracture it? Climbing out of a pool.

It’s a bad omen for the White Sox to have injuries like this coming out of nowhere. Next thing you know Jose Abreu will get knocked out in a bar arguing with a local about Pitt the Elder and Lord Palmerston.

Belisario claims the injury happened months ago, but he didn’t think about going to the doctor. Because as common sense will tell you, a pitcher’s shoulders are not very important, are they?

Jihadi John a Pittsburgh Pirates’ Fan

It’s never a good thing when terrorism enters the world of Major League Baseball. Thankfully at the center of this controversy, it’s all about a hat.

An image of the man behind the Jihadi John mask has him wearing a Pittsburgh Pirates’ cap. Of course, as hip-hop culture has taught us, this doesn’t guarantee his support of the Bucs. He may just like the colors or the letter P.

Of course, the Pirates are disgusted by this. Any team would be and rightfully so.

From a lighter standpoint, I’m insulted because I highly doubt Jihadi John could name 10 players on the Pirates. I’m not sure what the story behind the hat is at all, but I know I could beat him at Pirates’ trivia.

So I issue an open challenge to you, Jihadi John. You versus me in a best of 21 trivia contest about the Pirates. If you win, you get to wear whatever hats you want and I’ll join your “cause.” If I win, you can never wear the hat of a professional sports team you know nothing about plus you have to retire from terrorism.

I’m waiting J.J. You know where to reach me.

A Case of Plagiarism

What do you do when someone steals your idea? Usually you get pretty angry about it then break something. I have nothing left to break though. My phone loses power after a few minutes and there are enough holes in my jeans by accident to bother tearing new ones out of frustration.

I had a case of plagiarism today when I saw an article on Yahoo Sports about the Homer at the Bat episode of The Simpsons and the lineup they’d have if the episode aired today. When I say I was plagiarized I really mean someone thought the same way I do and happened to get paid a lot more to write his article than I did. For me, I earned nothing for the exact same thing that I wrote on this topic.

Since I cannot afford a lawyer nor do I feel like talking with one, I’m going to hope this was a case of someone having a nice idea after I did. I’m not so much mad as much as I am frustrated at how much better mine was. Writer Ian Denomme gave Troy Tulowitzki the same sideburns gag as Don Mattingly. He also gave Giancarlo Stanton gigantisism. I thought this was a little lazy and lacked creativity.

My shortstop was Jose Reyes. For him I said Reyes becomes obsessed with Bumblebee Man’s television show and cannot drag himself away from the television. He also gains a lot of weight in the process and eventually lands a role on the show.

By james_in_to on Flickr (Original version) UCinternational (Crop) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
By james_in_to on Flickr (Original version) UCinternational (Crop) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
Additionally, I made far more references to The Simpsons. Mr. Denomme really phoned his attempt in then collected a paycheck. I assume he was paid for this. If not, I’ve been cheated for nothing!

I will admit his lineup is probably a bit better. The only two we agreed on were Mike Trout and Miguel Cabrera. Not including them would be a far greater crime than completely lifting my idea.

But really, I’m not angry. No. Not one bit.